VALENTINE'S DAY AND HAND RENTAL

So, Valentine's Day has come and gone, and that means that NOVELITY STORES (read adult book stores) have made a killing, mostly on things that partners would never buy each other over the course of the time they're together. EVER. Because these NOVELITIES (read dildos and what not) are too embarrassing to give to a loved one. I mean. What would they think of you? Oh my, A 9 inch pink dildo? A fuzzy pair of handcuffs? Ben Wah balls? What the hell is she going to do with those? Hey, I know what it says on the box and she doesn’t like me to use words like "carefully" and "insert" in the same sentence, and "lubricate" is right out.

Valentine's Day frees one from the worry of being considered too freaky. Everyone is game on V-DAY. Everyone is wild and more explorative than Cortez in Florida. Cause that double-headed 18-inch black dildo is going to be used. At least once. I mean there are two of us aren't there? HELL! Everyone is game on Valentine's Day! Saint Valentine's Day. It's named for a Saint. Your putting that Dildo where the sun don't shine on a Day named for a Saint. Think about that for a minute. Yah. Wash those hands boys and girls.

This is to laugh. I think people should embrace those darker parts of they’re psyche. The parts that make them want to wear the short skirt, fishnets and heels while the girlfriend is in the sailor suit on shore leave and about to ship out for 6 months. Why? Dress-up was fun when you were a kid and now, with the optional, (but always expected) happy ending, its just plain killer! Kink is entertaining, ‘cause variety is the spice of life. Life is too short, you have it and then it's gone, and as long as no one gets hurt the paddle should be used, she’s been a bad girl. SHE SO HAS!

This bring's to an Idea that I have been kickin' around for a while. HAND RENTAL. Hand Rental, you say, eyebrow perked up, Spock pose. No. Not Hand Rental. HAND RENTAL. I RENT HANDS. MINE. HAVE HANDS WILL TRAVEL. For what? What's the purpose? Most people have hands, why do they need yours?

Well some hands are willing to do things that other hands wouldn't care to do. Some hands are willing to get dirty. Down and Dirty. That's right. With BIG Double D's. I'm talking about able bodied, hard working hands. Sometimes with TOOLS, sometimes without. I have my own tools but will be happy to rock and sock it with yours, clean sets only please. Hands willing to get the job done. Ready to get Medieval on some ASS. And when I say ASS, I mean behinds. Butts, the BUDONOCKADONK, you catch my wave playa?

That's right. I'm laying the spankth down! 'Cause that's my thing. I'm bringing the (moderate) Pain to a behind near you. The rates? Modest. The time? Adjusted to your schedule. The pleasure? All mine, baby. You should give me call. We will talk. Ladies only need apply. OH YEAH....

Yep. Hope you had a happy one, 'till next time.

Next up - Advise Columns

IN THE BEGINNING...

This Blog was going to be called "Musings by the tumtum tree". Yah, that was taken.

Instead we will go with the frustrated shout of DAMN THE BANDERSNATCH! Why not? It's as Lewis Carroll as it can get. Or is that Lewis Carrollish.. deadauthor_like? I, of course, digress.

Deadauthor_like, I think that will be my new email name. Anyway... Well, the problem doctor is... It's like this, I muse. I muse alot. I muse. I joke. I jest. I cojole. I talk a great deal, mostly outloud. and mostly as loud as my petite frame ( HA!) would bare. There I have an expounding problem. There I said it. Now on to the first of the twelve steps.

After years of hearing about blogs and bloggers hearing the call to blog, and realizing that the last big MEGA TREND that I could thnk of involved people putting on special shoes and running or as they called it in the 70's, JOGGING. See the amazing Irony yet? Similar sounding trends. One about motion and a expression of physicallty and the other a sedimentary study in stillness, except of course for the typing. OH KAY! WIth me now. Follow. Because we are the FATTEST NATION in the world. FATTER than you can imagine. You know that Guy at the amusement park that is so fat you can't believe that they could make a car big enough to bring him there and feel sorry for the person who sat next to him on the bus, in the ninety degree weather, if there wasn't. And then you find out that he was the guy in the Mini...with the person that could be his Mother but might be his Girlfriend...THAT GUY! That is AMERICA, and everyone else waiting for the BATMAN RIDE is the rest of the world. Just to help put it in perspective. The non-movement is one of the things that everyone is doing and Boy! is it Hot! Finger to my butt making the expected shusshing sounds though the teeth. Always through the teeth, people!

Anyway. I though i should try my hand at it. I'm a frustrated writer. But I want to write. About stuff. This isn't a journal or a political rant, althought there are times it might turn into both. I'm just going to tell ya stuff. Open the floodgates of the mind, if you will.

With that said. Lets take a trip and see where it goes.

Next up. Hand Rental and Advice Columns