WHY ADVICE COLUMNS ARE GREAT...

There are people out there that are completely lost. Adrift in a black sea, clutching a the shrinking inner tube of their own delusions while the dark sharks cut the water, swimming ever closer, big teeth of doubt and insecurity flashing in the waxy moonlight.

Scary...I know! Almost as disturbing as the last few seconds of any episode of "LOST" or "Will and Grace". But there is hope for these poor tortured souls. There's a beam of light that cracks that darkness open. A tether-line striking out of the mist and pulling them in to a safe, bright, calm harbor. Who are these guardsmen? Why are they alone willing to dredge the Dark Sea of Doubt and risk life, limb and maybe carpal-tunnel syndrome in this all out dangerous gambit to help their fellow man?

WHO? WHY? WHEN? You ask a lot of questions, man! Yeshhhh! I thought I was a curious! But cower not in the cold, wet darkness of your own ignorance. Come out and behold this place of enlightenment and learn of where you and every dumb, sad, silly paly of yourn can get their answers to questions that can break the strongest of souls. Yes! In the distance. On that rock. Over to your right! No, your other right...YES! There they are! Our intrepid super-friends, THE ADVICE COLUMNISTS!

Okay stop choking. That's where I was always headed. Yah, of course I mean it. And this is why. When the average Joe or Jolean has a problem with their Mother-In law, Lover, Postman, Neighbor, Dog-walker, Cleaners, Automobile and or Mechanic, Hardware store ETC. First they ask what to do from their best-friends.

Well, you know what happens. They don't know, anything. EVER. Cause they are as stupidly bumbling as the person asking the question. So thwarted, plan B is broached. And after asking a couple of people that are considered friends, although not in the "best" category, the same question and getting the same blank-look and/or headshake followed by the same wide-eyed wonder you get from a primate at the zoo when you tie your shoe, it's time to go to the experts.

It's time to fire up the Word Processor or whateveah-berry or java enabled webphone or brick-though-a-window-withanoteonit device, whatever it is that you people use to send electronic mail now-a-days and shoot that missive to the people with the answers.

The only people in the world that will not only give a answer to why you suck...But what to do about the sucking and how to make sure you never suck again!

Amazing! Wondrous! The non-sucking. Oh the joy, how it pops and oozes from every pore.

Wait a minute! I'm not a loser! I can answer my own questions! I have been known to fix my own problems on my own. Damn it. I have a lawn mower, A LAWN MOWER! I change my own damn oil, My lover has sighed with fabulous exhaustion, I have been know to talk to my and my neighbor's in-laws in a very civil tongue and know a hammer from a haircut. Also I pay my bills on-line and matched up my Dog-walker and Postman, and they have been together for 11 weeks. 11 bliss filled weeks! So there. Tongue out and fungus exposed.

Okay. I got it handsome. Sure, that fungus isn't eating everything in your mouth and lying eggs in your stomach and there are people like you that are human hatcheries for space viruses and can figure out when to use the rotary saw and when to use the vibrator and there are people out there that have to ask questions like...

Will wearing a Male chastity belt often...A lot...More than you can ever think.. Hurt my chances for future erections?

When at a wedding, is it polite to fight with the groom and or various groom's men and the father of the bride to make a point about a recent sporting event. I wasn't drunk, not by a long shot, but my lawyer says I should say I was.

When turning left at intersection where only right turns are permitted...Should I signal?

At the neighbors daughter's graduation party, Is it advisable to hit on lady of the house, then later, the honored daughter and then proposition both, commenting that the hot tub isn't the only thing hot around here. Woof Woof? ( that barking sound is included.)

Could a person be considered Gay while not IN LOVE,(unrequited as it is) so to speak with a friend of the same sex, wouldn't mind jumping headlong into said friends pants for a well earned week of R and R? Yah his girlfriend could watch. BUT NO TOUCHING. THAT MANWICH IS MINE!


Yah! I know all of you have asked anyone of these questions. And the last one maybe twice by some of you. Advice columnist have the tools, forged in the very heart of heaven to smash the answers down on those pesky questions. Crushing them, bringing them low.

So put your pants on. Get outta that bathroom and off the phone. Those friends of yours, they cant help you. They are dumb, just like you. Some...Dumber. Finally write that letter to Dear Abby, Ann Landers, Dan Savage, Elvis Presley, Bob Ubanks, and Axel Rose. Ask them that question, on that thing that stops you from being the best thing since sliced bread. Get your answers! You deserve it.